Really this is happening

Then came my own personal hell this was when my mom married her second husband. My mom wanted to go to Seattle since we lived there just a year and half before we moved to Brookings. We stayed friends of the family. We were up there for two weeks, my mom went to a single adult thing.Her friend kept telling my mom to call him. That is where my mom met Jody Brooks. I had never met him till one morning then I wake and some strange man was cuddling with me. I remember just feeling very scared.I wondered why this guy I didn't know was laying all over me.

My mom said she wanted to Marry him after only 2 months of my dad being gone. Only knowing this guy 2 weeks that she should marry him. They official got married in September. I don’t remember a whole lot about it. My mom thought he was a good man. Since he was a member of our church. I never really liked him, I was creeped out by him. I wish my mom would have followed her children's gut reaction.

The first time he came to our house in to move us to Renton Washington. I was actually excited because he seemed ok even though I felt a bit creepy.I had some good friends up there that I had know since I was 5. I had wonderful memories of living there before my dad died.

When he came to my house he made me mow a huge yard. I was ten I had never done this. Then he had my brother who had just gotten his liscense to drive all the way up to washington. When we got there we lived in a tiny hotel room, my solice was was a a pool there. My brother had his second birthday there. I remember some stuff but. I honestly don’t remember if we went to school there.Although we must have because I remember my first day of 5^th grade.We moved from that hotel room to a motorhome until he bought a house. I am not sure of the length we lived there because it seems all jumbled up to me.I am thinking was maybe a month.

So far my feelings

I have come to realize that I have bigger problems then I let anyone know. I have a mood disorder, it affects me a lot. I can never plan things because I never know how I am feeling. My body is reacting to me finally admitting things I should have been able to feel.

I want that ten year old girl who was so full of love and strong spirit to come back. If you knew what it looked like in my body no one would want to be my friend. I am insecure and hate myself, I need to be confident in myself.

My counselor gave me this great analogy. Say there is a 350 pd person and they lost 200 pds you ask them how they did it. But when someone else is heavy and looses weight but gains it back and then keeps gaining weight. Which one would you to for advice? I want to be able help people that have gone through anything. But first I have to get my brain to change. I get over the small hills but when the big hills I just cant get over them. I am going to do this I have no choice. My kids and my husband deserve to have a mom that is whole in the brain.

My dads death

My dad died when I was ten April 16 1993. I love him so much and he was such a good dad over all, something that has given me great comfort. I know that he loves me and all my brothers and sisters. He wasn’t always the best person. But I think he did try to be as best at what he could be coming from a very hard up bringing. He was a heavier man and I would look up in his and I would whisper I love you. I remember looking in his eyes. that are identical to mine and thinking how much I was loved. He was a missionary for our church( The church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints) whether it was his actual mission in Australia or where he lived.

The day he died I knew my life would change. All of us kids were home that day as it was teacher conference. I remember hearing sirens going off, we were sleeping in a tent in the back yard we had friends over that were staying over at our house that night.( A lot of this my mom and other family and friends have told me this stuff later.) This what I know my dads work called my mom wondering why my dad wasn't at work I am pretty sure it was around 8-9ish. So my mom and my brother Jerod went driving down the road to see if maybe he broke down we had a old car my dad drove.

As my mom was driving down the highway, she saw my dads car go by on a tow truck comepletely crushed in the front.. The crazy thing was when she saw the bishops house was right there. So going back to what was going on.I walked my friend home(who is my hubbys second cousin) I rememer saying maybe my dad died and I will have to come stay with you. I regret those words I said as a 10 year old. A lady from church came to our house to keep a eye on us till family could be there, she was very mean. My cousin Cam and his friend came and picked up my 5 other siblings. This probably about 10 in the morning. I remember crying holder my little brother who was 18 months at the time. I knew something had happened but wasnt sure what it was.We waited and waited for my mom to get there. No one was allowed to tell us anything. My brother Kimble knew something was up and he was getting bit upset because we didn’t have any answers.

I know it was around noon when my mom got to my aunts house. My mom and her three sisters were all in my one aunts bedroom. My brother Kimble wanted to know what was going on .I think all of but Jerod, because he knew. My mom took us 4 older kids in the bedroom and told us that our dad was in a car accident. My sister Malea and I thought he was in the hospital. My mom told us no he was gone. But as my mom finished that sentance my brother Kimble started pounding his fist saying not dad, not dad. At first I couldnt understand why this had happened. I was in shock I remember walking out the bedroom to find a bunch of family there and all of them were crying.I wondered around the house not sure what to do.The next few days are hazy. I remember being at another aunts house and it was raining, I thought to myself my dad must be in heaven crying for his family. I also remember we had just had a family picture and someone had taken it down off the wall. My mom was very upset.

My dad died due to a head on collison with another car. Both people died a guy I never knew and my dad. I know there was brake markes on my dad side and not on the other guys side. (DISCLAMER gory in this next part) The man that died was killed when a wheel barrel went through and mans truck window and killed him. My dads car suffered bad damage as I said before the whole front of his car was in the front seat. I was told one leg was completely severed. The aeotic heart vavle was broke and that is what really killed him. I do know that even IF he could have survived he wouldn’t have wanted that quality of life. My dad was a sports lover. Plus my mom already had a mentally impaired daughter and my there is no way she could have dealt with this too.

Before the funeral there was a viewing for my dad. My mom didnt want me to go in there but I insisted. I remember walking in and my mom was standing there and there was my dad and I remember how cold he was. I remember my Grandpa my dads dad was there and he looked so much like my dad I found comfort with him.

The funeral was so hard My dad was in the young men presidentacy in our ward so a lot of kids were affected. The next few days were a blur I remember at the funeral I couldnt stop crying. I finally left the chapel and wondered around the church. I drove with our bishop to the cemetray. There was a lot of people there. The area where he was buried was just barely made into a area. My dad was one of the first of many.

It was hard to understand why he left I wish I could see him again.Like the Diamond Rio song called One More Day. I really only had a few years with him. My two younger siblings have no memroies of him. I feel like in one foul swoop my families life was changed. The next few months brought change my mom moved us out of the house we lived in. She found a nice trailer that made it easier for us to forget the sad memories and try to build on them. I know and can only imagine how my mom must have been dealing with all of this.